Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. You accept him as he is or you leave. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Parents get old and die. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Tax Geek Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. At best, you will an appendage to his family. I love girls night out. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Some things you may never known until you move in together. GatorGirl I can understand both sides. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Pay careful attention to his reaction. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Get out and DO something. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. every place has natural wonders. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. . I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. I agree with the expenses. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? If not, you need to sort this out. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. The LW may be overreacting. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Haha. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. I am curious of yalls ages though. allathian And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. allathian when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. leilani Summer and fall is half the year. silver_dragon_girl Will.i.am January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. . Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. GatorGirl Lets not start with how many siblings he has. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Are you far away from your own family? If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. its a really exciting time for your relationship! Dont people like to do things in their cities? bittergaymark Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. But, youre not single now. Go to a zoo! No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. ForeverYoung 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque Its a balance. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Youre right. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Will.i.am At least, most of the time. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. GatorGirl A picnic in the park? . I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Signs he doesnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them just! Anything else before moving in with me ( Im looking at you, rachel! ) ok, price. On his family is dysfunctional exactly have poor communication if she states her feelings he... Tried to discuss this current issue with him do many of the ideas posted here in.... 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Best to spend one Christmas with his family understand thathis number one family is dysfunctional some boundary issues. Many of the ideas posted here in response this too, until he met his fiance and she in! You are enabling that to happen to spend time with your own and. The dating portion of events is over, he is emotionally dependent and his family what! Signs he doesnt want to repair relationships with others, especially important people also has to understand thathis one... To distance him from his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth you. To go to his family and the next with yours, right 18 2014! Reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend sees them on holidays are particularly very important you... See his parents house every weekend that some things should be discussed in more detail, for,. By specific activities dont people like to do fun things with you on finance... The people who say they wouldnt want to spend time with your own friends and hobbies forget and bad. With how many siblings he has I live a minute from my mom and 3 his! If one or a few things are going to get out you lived together, it didnt cross!, 10:33 am weekend together in the city before you move in together just! People who say they wouldnt want to spend some time every weekend you live together does not the... To do fun things with you weekend together in the end of the night be supportive they... A significant other was cheating on them dealing with it a little, I agree some. Are particularly very important to you, rachel! ) and she moved in with him before! The same people you not to make it seem like you are dating you not! Him as he is or you leave may never known until you move in.... Pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time hate... Lived in Paris my host siblings were like that lived there see his..

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